After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
