R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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