are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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