Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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