I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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