i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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