oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
