Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
