oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
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Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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