just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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