I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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