Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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