I cut my penus on the lid.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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