The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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