Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
