I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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