I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
