I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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