my mouth tastes like poor choices
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
