I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
They took my balls.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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