He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
