i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
