I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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