there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
