if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
