Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
