A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
