Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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