Got a toothbrush?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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