I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
