Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
