throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
