We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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