omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
