Even the bartender felt bad for me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
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I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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