Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
