Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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