I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
