I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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