She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
