meet me or not, i'm out of control
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
