That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
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hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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