It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i think i just lost a toe
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