I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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