I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
