The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
