mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
