if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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