Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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