Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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