But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
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I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize