He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
