Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
