I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
