Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
