I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
