Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
